'survive' brings a lot of meanings to me. and it is like....a must-use word to make me stand up and face the challenges out there by myself. and this short introduction is about what i have been through during my hiatus.
okay, i couldn't remember the exact event that had happened during these days but i will try to share with you guys. firstly, i would like to say that, when the final is just around the corner, i begin to feel so sleepy, tired and fed up.
by the way, there were things that i didn't want them to bug me.
i must say that i wanna be single for the time being and even if i'm at the age of you-can-do-whatever-you-want-because-you're-already-19-who-cares something like, i still don't wanna be involved in a relationship. my friends kept on making me to like a guy and they put high hopes on me to start a relationship. but i just couldn't. i don't want to.
when i have the feeling to have one, i begin to miss the spot. i don't like to pamper or being pampered by someone called 'boyfriend'. i dislike texting and calling with someone whom i think...shouldn't matter with my life. i prefer wasting my credit for my friends since i'm a class rep.
and with that attitude, i never make it into any relationship. not even once. seriously. i like single life. it makes me strong and believe in myself. i'm not saying that i like to live alone without my family or else. it's just that, to have a 'boyfriend', i can't seem to cope up with it. i do crave for it but just for fun.
i want it to be natural. so to those who knew me and aware about this, please understand. respect me.
next, i wanna say about friendship and bond.
before this, i always hang out with my gang which is my own classmates and they are all girls. we do jokes all the time and go out together to buy things. to shorten it, we're always together.
but recently, i don't know. those girls leave me behind. i used to join a sleepover at a classmate's room not long ago but now, i was not invited. those girls went to a classmate's room for a sleepover last two weeks....WITHOUT me. i was a bit disappointed when i got to know about that but i just let it go. i was thinking of finishing my work.
but it happened for the second time. we went to shop for art things outside of campus and decided to drop by the bazaar right after that so i told them not to buy the elephant board yet. it was one damn huge size for our final drawing. so they agreed with me since we're afraid that we might pant during the long walk.
so the next week, after painting class, i asked one of the girls about going out together to buy the elephant board. unfortunately, she said that 'they' had bought it for 'them'.
i was shocked a little. they had bought the item for them. ONLY. she told me that the other friend's parents came last weekend and since she was riding a car, she bought the board. but for me? none.
they should have ask me for once. i was their gang too.
again, for the third time. i went to drama class on last Thursday evening alone. usually, i will go with my roommate but she had a class before that so i assumed she would go to the drama class by herself. it always like that. and since it's fasting month now, the lecturer told us to buy food earlier before coming to his class. i didn't buy it yet because i wanted to buy it with the girls.
so i called one of them. you knew what? those girls were together at the bazaar and they were buying. my heart felt like....duh!
i said she should have ask me in the first place but she thought i was going with my roommate. but at least, ASK! it was so rude to do like that to someone that had helped you guys a lot.
i helped them during classes. as i was the class rep, i helped my classmates as long as i could. for printmaking class, i brought the items for the project all by myself. when the lecturer shouted out for someone to bring him things, i was the one who reacted so fast and immediately obeyed his order. the others? they just made some movements as to show that they were searching for the things. and it was a very dumb thing to do when you have a total stern lecturer.
i had done so many things to them. i ain't saying that i wanted a payback. it's just that i hope they will appreciate me as their friend or as their class rep or classmate something like that. it hurts me in the inside to know about their attitudes towards me.
i am very sad. this week, i feel so miserable. i think, i need to survive by myself. no one is best friend because i don't want them to be one. it sucks. now i learn that living a life needs you to face anything by YOURSELF and you'll earn the rewards that you're so worth it.